Gasoline
by her name is erika
Summary: There's a flaw in her code. / Or, Victoria Newman twisting around in darkness of her making. [Victoria-centric]


**Gasoline**  
 **show:** Young & the Restless  
 **central character:** Victoria Newman  
 **summary:** There's a flaw in her code. / Or, Victoria Newman twisting around in darkness of her making. [Victoria-centric]  
 **notes:** I wrote this because I thought that Victoria getting this head injury should cause some weird, borderline shift inside of her. She's still the same person but with some new darker, borderline twisted undertones. Amelia's performance during this storyline has been outstanding but I wish they would take it further and really mess her up. I am aware of the typos and mistakes that are likely to be here. I'll do a better, more thorough edit in the morning. My head hurts and I'm going cross-eyed. All the same, enjoy.  
 **disclaimer:** No. I don't own Young and the Restless. Or the song Gasoline by Halsey. No profit is expected and this is just for entertainment.

* * *

 **1.**

Victoria remembers sex with Benjamin Hochman. Bits and pieces.

She remembers what her head will permit. She remembers the meeting on the upstairs deck of the Club. Victoria doesn't recall the actual sex, but she remembers the morning after. When she tries to reach that murky part of her memory Victoria only remembers the sun hitting her face and wrapped up in bed sheets. Benjamin is an attractive man but he's an ass and the calculated risk she thinks is worth taking isn't. Brash & Sassy will be fixed, some way. Just not this way. However, Victoria should be panicked. She should be out of her mind yet Victoria feels oddly calm. She doesn't know why that is. Maybe it's because somewhere in her mind, she knows it's safer to not know what occurs the night before. Maybe her mind has pushed that sequence of events out of her mind for the better. She feels better from her pounding headache and the ringing in her ears. Great, actually.

The silence settles in the room as she gets dressed. Victoria hooks on her bra and pulls her top over her head of hair. She is about to pull on her blazer when strong hands help. Cologne hits her nose and when she turned around Benjamin's also dressed but his tie is loose.

"Thank you."

"Like I told you," he says in that charming way she won't fall for. Victoria will stroke his ego enough but not so much that he thinks he can touch Brash & Sassy. Benjamin takes her hand, brings it to his lips and kisses it. "I'm a gentleman."

Victoria glances at him up and down with a coy smile, fingering his tie.

"I'm going to go against my judgment and assume that you are. That's fair. Wouldn't you say so?"

Ben smirks and pulls her in by her waist. Victoria is surprised by it but amused. She almost wants to laugh at how forward he is. His hand pulls on the small of her back and he brushes her hair back softly with a hand. There's no ring on his finger but Victoria doesn't care. This is a fling. This is her sleeping with another person, for once, with no strings attached or no feelings involved. It's liberating.

"Fair is all I'm going to settle for. It's been nice to get to know you, Victoria. Will this be a recurring thing?"

She laughs, hand on his chest. Victoria's blue eyes twinkle and she narrows them, playfully. Victoria always does appreciate a man's ruggedness so she places a hand on his bearded face and pulls it away. She grabs her purse and nearly kisses Benjamin's cheek, but doesn't. Victoria might as well toy with him but Benjamin isn't getting her or his corporate raiding hands on her company. Bringing her mouth to his ear, she whispers, "No."

Then she steps back and Ben laughs to himself.

"So, it's my turn to assume I'll never know you or Brash & Sassy."

Victoria nods, confirming said assumption and smiles.

"You assumed correctly. However," she adds, before leaving the suite, "I'm not a kiss and tell kind of woman. Granted, we did more than kiss. Of that, I'm certain. We're going to keep this between us but let's call it… a moment between two people who never have to cross paths again. This was mutually beneficial for us both. So beneficial, I think it would be best to keep it in this room. Isn't that what you were aiming for?"

Benjamin smiles, charmingly.

"Yes. We can agree on the mutual benefit aspect and the silence," Ben says after a pause and holds him out to shake. She takes it and then it's over. Whatever it is between her and Benjamin. Whatever it isn't. Whatever he thinks is there and what she knows is not. "I'm headed back to my lifelong residence of Chicago."

"And I'll stay in my life long residence of Wisconsin."

Victoria grabs onto the threads of professionalism. They're silver and twinkling at her. They're thin and fragile, in danger of breaking but still, she grabs on to them with the tightest grip. Benjamin doesn't look like he will so she has to take initiative. It's what Victoria Newman does. Strike first before she is struck and when she _is_ struck down, don't stay down.

"It was nice meeting with you, Benjamin."

"Likewise, Victoria."

She leaves, walking out of the suite. Victoria exits but still feels Benjamin's gaze on her back. It looks like Mr. Hochman will just have to leave things as they are. Sex with Benjamin is a big blank and she'll forget what she remembers soon enough. Today is a new day. It's Friday, close to the weekend and another day to head into the office.

—

If Genoa City is a small world – which it is – the Athletic Club is bordering on claustrophobic.

Victoria tousles her hair and knows it's about time to do her Walk of Shame. She can see people who know her, people she is acquainted with and people with whom she floats in social circles without being acquainted with. Her heels tapped a steady pace down the staircase. Victoria is in the middle of it when she catches Jack with Hilary and then catches his eye. He grins like he's up to something which is all the time. Of course, whatever information Hilary passes on to her is about her.

Jack is determined to have the blood of her legacy on his hands and is even more determined to kick Billy down into an abyss of his hatred. Hilary salivates over any scoop attached to the last name Newman. She's been down that road before and somehow, Victoria sees the ghost of Restless Style appear in front of her in a ribbon-like wisp and then it disappears.

Victoria is coming from a suite, going down the stairs. Jack sees her Walk of Shame and it's more than likely Hilary informs him of it. For all their history and all the ways she is connected to Jack, Victoria truly believes he's a piece of shit. She can say that wholeheartedly.

However, she can do two things: let Jack shake her off-balance or not give him the satisfaction of knowing he has because he hasn't.

She merely smirks at Jack even when her gaze is one of defiance and daring him to come at her again. She welcomes it. Victoria goes through the revolving door of the Athletic Club and she disappears into what this new day can bring her. She's curious to find out but first, she wants to go home, and see her children.

After all, familiarity is best after waking up in a strange place.

* * *

 **2.**

When Victoria gets home, it's quiet.

The house is still and she doesn't understand it. She asks Hannah to stay with Johnny and Katherine. Only them for most of the time because she knows Reed is off doing his own thing. She chuckles to herself, knowing he's enamoured with Mattie Ashby. Her phone goes off and she digs around in her purse. Victoria sets her purse on the coffee table, swipes at the screen and furrows her brow at a text exchange. Apparently, Hannah texts her and offers to stay the night. Victoria reads her own text replying as she thanks the nanny who is at this point, her friend and someone her children love. She reads as her fingers text back thanks, gratitude and appreciation when Hannah says she'll take care of getting Johnny to day camp and Katie to her play date with Sadie and Jasmine. Oh, right.

Victoria remembers setting that up at Katie's dance class. She's the only one who wears her number 12 Aaron Rodgers Packers Jersey over her dance clothes. Her daughter is funny that way, is still the team's littlest cheerleader according to the team she gets to meet courtesy of Nick, and is determined to marry Aaron Rodgers. Reed, Johnny, and Katie are all accounted for. She needs to go into the office, but Victoria exhales a deep cleansing breath. The silence she marinates in is broken by the loud ringtone of her iPhone 7 encased in a new case of bright orange.

She glances at the large screen and sees Billy's name along with his face.

"Shit," Victoria curses, quietly under her breath. She answers and braces herself against the desk by her window. She takes another breath to silence the growing storm of noise growing in her head. "Hey, Billy."

"Vick, I've been trying to reach you all morning. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Victoria answers, smoothly and it doesn't feel like deceit or a lie even something is pulling at her. There's something twisting inside like a snake that moves quickly to be free of someone's grasp. Of course, she's fine. Why wouldn't she be? "I'm fine. I'm just at home but I'll be in shortly."

"How are the kids?"

Victoria combs her hair back, the noise in her head sounding like rumbling thunder before lightning flashes. Irritation creeps into her body and drips into it like morphine dyed grey. It burns under her skin gradually, little fireworks erupting.

"All accounted for," she replies as if it's the status quo. That's because it is. Billy is her friend, ex-husband who still weaves in and out of this house when here, and the only colleague she has willing to fight with her. That's who Billy is. That's a good thing and it dulls the claws, tearing at her. "Johnny is at day camp and Katherine is at a playdate."

"Okay, that's good," Billy says and adds a question. "Hey, I sent you the meeting notes for our conferences with the distributors in New York. I e-mailed them to you last night."

Victoria glances at her closed laptop. Of course, something is e-mailed to her. She remembers Billy telling her that because she can't quite grasp hearing and understanding anything. A headache and ringing hold her captive. They always hold her captive until Victoria is forced to acknowledge and pay attention to them. She can feel another one lightly pressing against her temples like tentacles. She balances her phone between her shoulder and ear and quickly logs into her computer to get to her e-mail. Ah, there it is.

"Right," she closes her laptop and sinks into her desk chair. "Okay, I'll look over it when I get there. Handle that conference call from Los Angeles. If anyone can get Fleur Cosmetics, it's you. Put that Abbott charm to work."

Victoria can hear Billy's laugh.

"Aye aye, Captain. But get here so we can talk strategy. I've got all the troops here and raring to go."

"I will," Victoria promises, wincing against the particularly painful pain. "I'll see you. Bye."

She hangs up, tossing her phone on the desk on top of her closed computer. Victoria rests her head on her arms. The sun's rays still heat her skin and when she raises her head, they hit her face. Blue eyes squint against them. Victoria gets up and exhales, looking at her staircase. Up there is the possibility of clothes in her closet to change into. Up the staircase is the idea of a cool shower.

—

Warm steam and cool water.

Victoria remembers how comforting this combination is. Her grapefruit body wash is lathered on her skin and it feels like multiple clouds caressing it. The shower water hits her skin like little pinpricks, striking the islands of tension on her body and untangling the knots. Her hair is darkened by the water still washed with her Pantene Pro-V shampoo the previous day before. She closes her eyes to imagine she's under a waterfall or underwater a body of water that is the epitome of serenity.

Instead, she's not there. She's in a suite with Benjamin. It's like a movie that plays finally after many disjointed starts and stops. Her head is rewired to play it all smoothly and without pause. Victoria's in the suite with him, watching herself being the first to kiss him. There's her laughter, Ben's shock but amusement when he kisses her back with the same intensity. Victoria remembers the red wine on her tongue and the way the intoxication burrows under her skin. It melts her inhibitions away.

Then the end of the mental movie before the end credits pass, Victoria can say clearly remembers now. She finally remembers having sex with Benjamin as much as she remembers feeling it. Victoria opens her eyes, as the hissing of the shower continues. It's steady and the water never stops hitting her skin. Victoria feels the ghost of Benjamin Hochman's hands on her body and remembers that he tastes of expensive Chardonnay and the same tart red wine. She turns the tap until the water slowly turns to a trickle and then it ceases.

The steam still wafts around her as she places a hand on the cool tile of her shower. How everything leads up to that point, Victoria doesn't know. She can't arrange the sequence of events even though they are in her head. Her heart hammers in her chest. Her lungs feel as if they may over expand with every breath she takes until they burst. Victoria feels as though there is a duality within. Victoria is aware of who she is – the mother, the daughter, the sister, the friend, even the niece, a brilliant strategist from years of chess, an Ice Queen by nature and the Wicked Witch of Genoa City (note: Reed's words, not hers although she embraces that now) by design.

However, Victoria knows there's a strangeness in her she can't understand but doesn't fear. There's an aspect of her that is reckless, impulsive but not dangerous, sarcastic than usual, sharper than usual, impatient and at times, greedy. Still, she strikes when the iron is white hot but it's a ruthlessness that may border on predatory. This side of her is colder than usual. It's enough to give her emotional frostbite but it keeps her sharp. It's a side of her that _is_ dark, but white light slices through it.

Victoria's vision blurs and she presses her hand against the clear glass door to find balance and homeostasis. She takes in one more breath. There are ripping sounds in her head and a sharp ringing that feels like knives in her ears. She doesn't understand it and her mild concussion can't be the cause. There's no way.

She doesn't have the energy or time to decipher it. Then the ripping noises stop and she can't hear the ringing. It's silent and calm. Victoria opens the sliding glass door and grabs her terrycloth towel. Cool air hit her skin as she wraps the soft fabric around her body. The mirror is foggy as residual steam settles on it. Somewhere in her state of calm, Victoria walks over to the mirror and wipes it to get clear. To get herself clear. She stares at herself, hair darkened by water and her skin dewy.

There's a need to figure out who is staring back at her.

A slow smirk grows on Victoria's face. It's better not knowing.

—

Victoria chooses to wear her favourite black low-cut V neck knee-length dress with the three-quarter sleeves. She steps back from her vanity and admires the way her dress still is tight fitting against her body. She pulls her thick hair into a high ponytail, puts medium sized circular earrings on and adjusts her dark red matte lipstick. The long-chained locket with an aquamarine stone catches light and she's comfortable in Louis Vuitton black pumps.

 _Look out world,_ she thinks to herself as she grabs her packed tote bag with the regular essentials combined with the Brash & Sassy ones combined. She hitches the strap of her tote bag on her shoulder and shuts her master bedroom door behind her. _Victoria Newman cometh._

* * *

 **3.**

In her perfect world, Brash & Sassy would have grand office space in the heart of downtown Genoa City. It would lie between the Fashion District and the Entertainment District. Her lip print would be prominent at day and illuminate the sky at night. It's a dream she can make reality without touching company reserves already stretched too thin. The only word running around in her mind is revenue. Just revenue. Only revenue. Revenue will give Brash & Sassy wings to soar and be a firework in the financial world. For now, she'll be fine with Jabot's space. She should fear Jack itching to shove Brash and Sassy off the cliff but the adrenaline makes Victoria work to hold on to the edge by her fingertips and pull herself and her company up. In turn, she waits for the opportunity to strike back ten times harder. It's just what Newmans do. Sure, they're all estranged, but it's the Newman strength in the center of her family's dysfunction. It makes sense for an Abbott be out for blood because a Newman is on its turf.

—

Here's what Victoria always knows: she's not afraid to spill blood if Jack continues to draw it. To quote Maya Angelou, like dust she will rise.

The metal elevator doors open and Victoria steps inside.

—

Somewhere between the lobby and her floor, Victoria encounters Ashley.

"Morning, Victoria," Ashley greets her because it's a societal thing in the workplace. Victoria glances at her and thinks good morning could have the same connotation as _it's a brand new day and your brother is the same piece of the giant sack of crap in the same suit he wakes up in yesterday, Ashley_.

Victoria glances at Ashley in her royal blue dress and greets her in the same curt manner. She resists the urge to roll her eyes but Victoria has her steel like composure.

"Morning, Ashley."

There's silence in the elevator and then Victoria breaks it. She cracks it and then crushes it under her heel. As dark as it is, Victoria can easily imagine Jack's neck underneath it and hear him gasping for breath if she applies the right amount of pressure.

"Ashley, wait," she says, and the elevator slows down to her floor. She reaches over and hits the red emergency stop button. A surprised and slightly annoyed look crosses her face and the blonde places her hands on her hips and glares. Then Ashley is exasperated with her. Victoria is indifferent to it.

"Victoria, I don't have time for this."

"I don't either," Victoria shoots back calmly. "This won't take any time. Let Jack know something for me."

"Which is what, Victoria?"

Victoria looks Ashley in the eye. She's the best person to deliver this message because she is the only one who knows the full scope of her ruthlessness as a teenager and an adult. It's nice that Jabot is so strong. So sturdy and so wonderfully secure in itself. Numbers are factual and yes, when they are added up and manipulated, they reveal the truth. She's working on something big and if she and Billy have the pieces align just right, Brash and Sassy may get its first strong foothold since the last bad quarter. This could turn the company around. Just maybe. A very strong maybe that may turn into something sure, but there's one more piece to find. The last one.

She laughs quietly to herself and lets a smile through.

"Kindly let Jack know that he has to come at me through means that don't include who I _sleep_ with," Victoria discloses, letting the smile disappear from her face. Ashley's face goes from annoyance to surprise, green eyes going wide.

"What? Damnit, what is my brother up to now?"

"Your brother wants to kill my company, starting with the floor we're on. Please tell him that if he tries to torch Brash & Sassy, his relationship with my mother will be the first casualty. The second," Victoria continues, her blue eyes fiery with determination and icy with unshakable resolve, "will be Jabot. I will do everything to make sure this building burns to the ground."

"Oh, that almost sounded serious. Thanks for the morning amusement."

Victoria smirks and shrugs, dismissively, "It was. I'm surprised you, of all people, underestimate me. You're human so you'll make mistakes. We all will. It's possible but it's a stupid one."

She hits the emergency stop button to get the elevator moving again. When the door opens, she sees the Brash and Sassy floor and it's hers. All hers. The company is hers to create as a young teen wanting to create her own path as a woman in a world of men and suits. It's hers to watch and nurture and ultimately, hers to save even if she has to kill Jabot _and_ Fenmore's in one foul swoop. It's difficult but not impossible.

She looks at Ashley, intentionally smug.

"This is my floor. Have a nice day, Ashley. I know I will."

Victoria walks off the elevator to her floor and hums the opening lyrics of Elton John's _Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road_ just because she's in a good mood.

Or, will be soon.

—

Billy is bouncing ideas and strategy off her and she throws them back at him. Things are erratic at Brash and Sassy but as always, the brainstorming process is a smooth, fluid process. It's a flurry of phone calls to assure their partners that their sky is not falling and it's all sunny. Others are e-mails constructed with fluid keyboard tapping with words with assurance, grit, and confidence. Others are phone calls of her taking a hard line and others are having Billy oozing that charm she's still acquainted with and even falls in love with once upon a time.

Somewhere in that hurricane, she is longer is in the eye but floating around in a wind of their own making and it stops. Her mind is unravelling and leaves her on autopilot. Victoria is typing up this importance correspondence with a key distributor and working to cut another company on the west coast of at the knees. DuBois Cosmetics is in her crosshairs. She develops an aptitude for archery at boarding school. Archery has technique, a process and that has to be executed without flaw. _Minimum action for maximum effect,_ she hears a darker, broken voice sounding like hers in her head.

Her fingers itch to pull her drawer open for those little white pills of relief to stop another frenzy of madness building in her head. She wants to scream, loud and raw. Victoria just might if DuBois isn't bleeding out more money and resources than her company and withering under the heat of LA sunshine.

Brash and Sassy will have that company to establish their foothold in the Canadian market.

"Billy," she says, still typing with a slim black pen between her slender fingers, "how quickly can you get to back to Toronto?"

"Toronto?"

"Yes. Isn't that what I said?"

She can hear papers flipping and see the furrow in his brow from glancing up and through her vision. Billy is in his concentration mode. His pen flies across the lined pages. But she hears the papers stop scraping against each other and the pen scratches stop. Victoria feels his eyes on her and it forces her to meet his curious brown ones. Her blue ones are questioning and a bit accusatory for reasons she can't understand.

"Vick, are you okay?"

She frowns and blinks at him. "What kind of question is that?"

"A valid one," he answers, with a shrug. Victoria closes the top of her laptop, and leans in to humor him and listen. That, and she's genuinely curious to hear this. She turns the pen in her hands and stares at him, face unreadable. Billy glances at him up and then down. Victoria stands, walking around her desk. She slides herself on it smoothly and crosses her legs.

"What do you think is wrong with me? Enlighten me."

He stands up and surveys her. He's looking at her looking he's searching for something and can't seem to find it. Victoria stares back, daring him to try and find what he perceives to be missing. Maybe something is missing. Maybe she's whole and put together. If there is a third possibility, it could be that there's something growing and festering there in a secret grey area. She's not sure where in her body it resides, but it's a new place and she's comfortable staying in it.

"I'm not sure. There's something…off with you."

"Is there?"

"Yes. No. Maybe," Billy replies with concern in his eyes and it's not necessary. "I don't know. You've changed. I'm not the only one worried. Nick, Abby, Reed, Phyllis and even Ashley, as of this morning. I just feel it in my gut that something is wrong with you."

She laughs. Really, laughs.

"There's nothing wrong. I feel fine. Ashley Abbott the Tattle Tale," she muses, and pulls at her at her ponytail under her thick mane of hair is free. Victoria shakes it and tousles it, slightly. There's relief. _Much better._ "Your sister's a lot of things but I never thought she was that type. It's also nice to know that I'm a topic of conservation under your roof. Phyllis being worried about me is uncharacteristic. Now, if I threaten her in some way, I could understand that."

A quizzical look crosses Billy's face and Victoria rolls her eyes.

"What do you mean Phyllis worrying about you is uncharacteristic?"

"I mean, it's more in her to be worried about you _with_ me," Victoria clarifies, with a sigh that leaves her staring at her shoes. The black leather is shining under the fluorescent lights. Who knew? Black can be stunning in ways that have nothing to do with the aesthetics. She sees black charcoal on her hands, stark against her skin.

Billy's mouth is moving but she can't hear. Victoria can't hear anything. She wants to speak, but she can't. Imaginary fingers press the pause button, leaving her lingering in a moving world. He's standing there, his voice muted and then rising to the volume of a whisper. His quiet is interwoven is in the high decibel of her ringing.

Then it stops. Billy's face is concerned and it irritates her.

"Hey, Vick?"

"What?" she snaps, a little more sharply than usual.

"What happened? You spaced out just now."

"No, I didn't. I just realized something. I've been thinking about it all morning," Victoria answers, getting off her desk so she's standing face-to-face. For all the years she knows Billy, she can his eyes stay beautiful and still carry the Abbott twinkle in them. She gets pensive, causing Billy to get curious. Oh, now he's attentive. Interesting. "It's a theory which may pan out depending on how you piece things together. I'll get to the point. Jack is determined to see this company burn. You know this. Phyllis hates that you're working here with me."

"I'd like to have my weekends free," Billy admits, honestly and then smiles, softly at her. "But I have to help this company. It's my problem just as much as it is yours. She understands that."

Victoria laughs. She thinks Billy knows about the womanly mind better than this. She may think of him as being self-destructive. Victoria may think he's impulsive and incapable of making sensible decisions in the long term. But in contrast, Victoria knows Billy's a great person, father and hey, they're friends. He hasn't driven her insane, although she wonders if she's about to be driven there anyway. Most of all, Billy is smart. If he can come up with the idea of the hockey tie in, surely, he can unravel this if she makes a path of breadcrumbs for him to follow.

"Does she? I'm a woman," she replies. "If my boyfriend spent a lot of time with his ex, it would irritate me too."

"Jack and Phyllis are on the same floor. They work closely."

Billy sits next to her.

"Just listen to me. Jack is waiting to celebrate the demise of this company – the same company that, in Phyllis' mind, is pulling you away from her and towards me. Your ex-wife. The mother of your children," she says, with exasperation. She adds one last tidbit. It makes her giddy to do that, but Victoria will keep whatever matters to her to herself. Not that sleeping with Benjamin means anything to her. The sex isn't bad. In fact, Benjamin Hochman goes above any expectations she has or could ever construct. There's a certain charm about his beard, and about the man himself. It's weirdly attractive to her, but it's a fleeting one. Victoria sighs, tucking a lock of her behind her ear. "Our good friend, Benjamin Hochman, is in town. I had a lovely dinner with him last night."

Billy stares at her stunned.

"What the _fuck_ , Victoria? This guy is like cancer when it comes to businesses! He has to stay far away from here!"

The storm in her head starts again. There's lightning flashing her head and rumbling thunder expanding the walls of her skull. When Victoria hears the deafening boom, it shoots down to her heart. It starts to race and she feels her skin flush. She stands up and folds her arms around herself to protect herself. From what she doesn't know.

Victoria can't breathe and it's frustrating.

"Stop," she says, quietly. Invisible feet are kicking her in the back of her head and razor blades are sinking into her temples. Victoria's shaking and she can't stop it or control it. There are no doors in her office, no way to get out, no way to escape. There's just Billy. His voice is a vacuum of noise. She wants to choke Jack until he melts through her fingers. Victoria wants to shove Cane into the watery depths of the Great Barrier Reef so far, he never rises to the surface to draw breath. There's a part of that is alarming because it's irrational. Cane has a family, two children – one of whom is in the early stages of a teenage romance with her son. However, Victoria truly hates him. Wholeheartedly and if Cane falls and never rose again, she can sleep peacefully.

"—we have to make sure Brash and Sassy is protected. It's vulnerable as it is. Brash and Sassy isn't in a ditch yet and it won't get it. I'll get to Toronto immediately. I just have to let the kids and Phyllis—"

Victoria splinters. She breaks and then she shatters everywhere. She can see her blood running down her arms, in her hair, tainting the black fabric of her dress, running down her legs and filling her shoes. She isn't bleeding dark red. It's all black.

"She did this!" Victoria screams as something dark settles in her eyes. "She is helping Jack destroy all of this! She sent Hochman my way and Jack is going to use him to beat me over the head and cut your throat at the same time. He's after you just as much as he is after me!"

"Victoria—"

"You don't want to accuse her, fine! Open your _fucking_ eyes, Billy!" she continues, screeching and she doesn't stop. Control is foreign to now and hides from her. It doesn't want to be near her and protect her like it always does. Her hands curl into tight fists, her nails pressing into her palms so hard. She'll see the little pink half-moons. She calms down by pulling in all of the air her lungs will allow into her windpipe. Some breaths are soothing while others are corrosive. She starts again, voice breaking. "I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I want to decapitate your brother and your girlfriend thinks I've chained you to the wall. They have different motives but the same endgame. Just…ask her."

"Let's say your theory is right," Billy hypothesizes, firmly but softly as she pulls two tissues from the box on her desk and dabs under her wet eyes. "We know Jack wants my head on a stick and Brash & Sassy as barbecue. But Phyllis – we've talked about finding a balance. Well, _my_ balance. Hochman is more likely to seek you out."

"He didn't. Somewhere deep down you know that," Victoria shoots back, voice steady and even. "Phyllis is a manipulator but so am I. Different styles. But we both can twist things for maximum benefit. How Benjamin got here and was focused on me, doesn't matter but I was. I don't care what you two do. It's your business. But you don't stand there and tell me your girlfriend's hands are clean in this."

"I'll run it past her and make sure she's honest with me."

Victoria has anger burning her all over again.

She narrows her eyes, blue eyes icier than normal. Billy is looking at her like she's some feral wild animal that can snap and attack at any time. Victoria feels loose and wild. She can very well be all claws, teeth, and fury in this moment. Billy's caged here in the office with her.

"Knowingly or not, she is in some way toying with what I created. She's toying with my company," Victoria hisses, with simmering anger. "That, I'm not okay with. I never will be."

Billy pauses and Victoria forces herself not to smirk at the wheels turning in his head so she is the one to speak.

"Just ask her, Billy. Really watch her reaction. Count how many times she denies it and do it vehemently," she finishes, exhaling. A small smile pulls at her lips and she surveys Billy and fingers the light teardrop shaped light blue stone of her necklace. "Maybe I could give Phyllis reason to be threatened but I won't. It's not relevant. Benjamin Hochman won't be touching Brash and Sassy. I've ensured that."

"What did you do?"

Victoria lets that question hang in the air. If she tells it, it's living and breathing in front of him. It's too complicated for Billy to comprehend. If Victoria keeps it and inside of herself, she can leave it easy and simple. As she tells Benjamin, it's just a moment between two ships who never will spin in the same whirlpool even though the ride is as fun for her as it is him.

She stuffs her laptop in the desk drawer, walks to her desk and re-arrange Brash and Sassy papers and places those in her bags as well.

"So, you're going to leave me hanging and curious?"

"Yes," she answers, shortly but less razor-edged. She smiles, anticipating her Friday night. She's ready to disappear into a world that's all hers as soon when she finds it. She wants fun. She wants freedom. Victoria wants reckless and destruction in the night. Most of all, she longs to bathe in it until she fades away. So, she will. "Hey, can you stay over with the kids tonight?"

"Yeah, of course. You know I'd love too," Billy answers from behind her. She can hear the jesting tone in his voice as she rearranges the contents of her tote bag and hitches the strap over her shoulder. "More plans tonight?"

Victoria turns around and nods, "Something like that. Goodnight."

—

She leaves her office.

Victoria will treasure being Reed, Katie and Johnny's mother until she isn't. She won't a sister, a friend, a niece, a CEO or the Newman heiress.

Instead, she will be absolutely no one.

* * *

 **4.**

If someone asks Victoria about her sexuality, it would be a complex answer. Not because she's confused but because it runs in tandem with time. Victoria is very much straight. She knows that she's sexually attracted to men. However, there are moments in her life that allow her to appreciate women and be just as strongly attracted to men.

The first time she ever kisses a girl is in boarding school. She remembers soft lips, flawless curves, and legs for days. It's been so many years, she doesn't remember her name and she's faceless. Time marches forward, things grow and evolve and Victoria changes along the temporal grain of life.

—

The second time Victoria is with a woman she's away from Genoa City.

They cross paths because a love of art pushes them together. They are friends first. Victoria loves her smooth paint strokes, the bright way she smiles at her when talking about art history, and the way her long eyelashes rests on her cheek when she sketches. Victoria is borderline enchanted with the way she can bend light and darkness with charcoal. Dark eyes stare at her, lock on hers to see something inside of her. Soft hair is lit by sun rays and Victoria pushes an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

Her hands touch her face and it's sculpted art itself. Smooth nose, brown eyes with a penetrating gaze, striking cheekbones, and full pink lips. For reasons that aren't about romance but not about friendship, Victoria kisses her. She kisses her back under the orange light of a setting Tuscan sun. Actual sparks jump around underneath her skin when those hands touch her. When pulled in the waters of the Arno, Victoria lets it sweep her away, bare and naked in ways that go beyond the physical. She can't put a timeline of the duration of the attraction nor can she figure out the intensity of it towards this beautiful woman. She won't waste time and energy trying. She will just enjoy fingers in her hair, and full lips on her neck as there's nothing but bliss and ecstasy.

It's not love. It's not friendship. It's an enigma running loose and free. Victoria is with Sabrina Costelana for seven months, two weeks and six days.

—

Noir is a club nestled in the underbelly of the entertainment district of town. It's nothing upscale and pristine. Completely opposite of the privilege of her upbringing and her royal, blue blood pedigree.

Nobody knows her here and nobody really cares. It's lit up in purple, reds, greens and blues. Sweaty bodies press each other dancing in rhythm to some music and bass she doesn't know. Here she is in a white backless dress way too short, way too revealing and way too comfortable. Four guys offer to buy her a drink. Two guys flirt with her with only one of them being pretty cute. Sexy, even.

The music is loud in her ears, inflates her head like a helium blown to its limits and shakes the ground underneath her silver heels. Victoria can bear this pain because it's being numbed by this purple coloured, sweet tasting drink in her hand. She can tolerate the ringing in this environment because there are other noises to compensate. It has a dangerous fatal sounding name Victoria can't remember.

Here's what Victoria _can_ remember vividly: her shoes are the same silver as the stripper poles sparkling against rainbow tinted colours.

Behind her eyes and pushed by a sharp pain in her head, Victoria sees colour everywhere. She sees the redness of a cherry in a drink, orange of an orange peel garnish, gold of blonde haired man and woman who blur past and around her. There's the neon greens and blues of the glow sticks club patrons wave them around controlled by non-descript music.

Blue eyes wonder to the stripper poles and linger there.

It makes Victoria smirk while taking another sip of this dark purple elixir on the brink of giving her a buzz. For the third time in her life, she appreciates another beautiful stranger and is left spellbound.

—

Victoria doesn't care about her real name, although her stage name catches her attention. It's suitable for a club of this name in an ironic kind of way.

 _Jezebel. Of course,_ Victoria thinks with drunkenness on her like a fresh snowfall she realizes she needs.

Mocha, tanned skin. Luxurious and wavy ombre two toned hair going from dark brown to honey blonde. Black lace against a buxom chest. Smooth abdomen with a belly button piercing glinting back at her. Curvy hips. Long legs that aid in graceful movement against the pole affixed to the center of the stage. When Jezebel twirls in a flawlessly and goes into an effortless split, hazel eyes catch Victoria's azure coloured ones. The dancer smirks seductively at her and it makes Victoria throw a coy smile of her own back at her.

—

Jezebel slinks next to her on a big, cushioned black couch and crosses her tanned legs. Cherry red lips slowly grow into a questioning smile.

"Enjoy the show?"

The voice is raspy and husky and it leaves Victoria's interest piqued.

She raises an eyebrow and can see flecks of green in her eyes amidst the smoky eye makeup and heavy eyeliner.

"It was enough to intrigue me."

"Intriguing," Jezebel replies, pensive. "No one's ever used that adjective around here. You're not like the other ones. I knew that when I saw you. What's your name, Blue Eyes?"

Those eyes remind Victoria of a poised cat that moves like the wind. Victoria glances down, and then flirtatiously feels a wavy lock of ombre hair between her fingers. It feels like velvet against the tips of her fingers. She can smell the trace fragrance of Bare on Jezebel's skin. Raising her blue eyes to look at the dancer again, Victoria quietly laughs.

"No names," Victoria grins, speaking smoothly and mysteriously and lets her fingers caress Jezebel's bare thigh. "Makes things interesting."

The stripper moves closer to her and matches her grin.

"My kinda girl."

Jezebel's hand is scalding against her face when Victoria feels as though she's drenched in gasoline. When another pair of soft lips claim hers, Victoria slowly catches flames only she can see and feel. Victoria is dripping gasoline she can smell and knows is there. She wants them. She wants to burn, twist around, darken and then dissolve. Victoria wants it all. It's all-consuming and suffocating. Intense. She kisses this exotic, captivating stranger greedily and hungrily. She explodes and falls into an oblivion of her own creation. Her head screams loudly and throbs but she won't pay attention.

She hears nothing and feels nothing.

—

 _fin._


End file.
